So.
Only half an hour remains of this past year.
Time for a little R&R.
Talk about procrastination, huh?
Well.
2006. What a year it has been.
It's funny, though, how I don't seem to remember much of what's happened. It felt like I was half asleep most of the time - which is partly true, but, still - and I've ended up deeper in this quagmire than I was in January. Figuratively speaking, of course.
You know, when I first entered RI, I thought it would help clear things up a bit. Open up some doors, close some others, wipe the mist off the windshield, that kind of stuff. I had hoped it would help me focus, and to map out the road ahead. But if anything has become any clearer, it is this: I am headed nowhere. You can take this whatever way you want, but I'm trying to be honest here; I don't mean to exaggerate, really. The thing is, I'm losing my grip on reality, I'm losing my grip on myself, on the way I perceive this world. To steal a book title from Chinua Achebe (though I haven't actually read this book), Things Fall Apart, and nothing seems to make much sense anymore.
I used to think I had the hang of things. Life's been good so far, I can't complain: school's fine, haven't made many enemies, and the health meter reading is just about right. But as the year went on I became increasingly aware of the sensation that I don't belong here. Wherever I was, I felt like I wanted to be somewhere else. I put my finger in every pie, but not a single one was baked for me. It was tough communicating with people; every time I hung out with someone, I felt false, like a bloody hypocrite, and I wished so bad that I could take back everything I did and everything I said, because I was so disgusted with the way I was behaving. So I tried to shut up and stop making a fool out of myself, but then people either thought I was ill or I was being insolent, and I ended up upsetting them instead. I feel like such a twit sometimes.
I really don't mean to do this. I really don't mean to anger people or botch things up. You know, sometimes when I feel as if I am holding a proper conversation with someone without offending them, when I feel as if I am really connecting with somebody, or simply when I make a joke and someone laughs, I start tearing and I have to look away because I feel so touched and blessed and happy. I don't know how to describe that sentiment. I don't even know if it qualifies as a sentiment.
I feel like I've let everyone down. I'm really sorry for everything, but there really is no point saying this here, is there? This is not a plea for help. This is not some stupid note designed to appeal to your sympathy. I just need to write things down to figure things out, and I wanted to use this opportunity to apologise for all the times I've messed up. I feel I have an obligation to explain certain things, certain things that can only be put in writing.
I realise I haven't even explained much. I'm sorry about that too. I just need some time to figure things out, but not only has 2006 deprived me of this time, it has made matters worse. I just hope 2007 will be better. I've got to start afresh, and rediscover myself. That's my New Year's resolution.
After all, 2007 can't be worse, can it?
Right. Who am I kidding? Lol.
Nevertheless, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to everyone I know for everything you've done for me. And that means you! Family, teachers, classmates, schoolmates, CCA mates (that means ncc(!), math&science club, and the debaters), 1H06, SIMO dudes, AYLS people, the list just goes on. If I know you, or if you know me, rest assured you're included. :) I won't name names because I know with this sieve of a brain I'll miss someone out.
Happy New Year everyone. You've all been great people.
