haha it's been eons since i last updated, huh? if you're wondering what i've been up to lately, the answer is, well, nothing much. i spent the last three days wallowing in utter decadence, with my trusty xbox by my side and a murakami in hand, engaged in the strict training regime required of all aspiring recluses. haha right yeah but all good things end too soon, so here i stand again, forced to step outside my makeshift cave to face the blinding light of reality.
tough luck.
yup and to all the people who've left comments you have no idea how happy and surprised i am that you even bothered. and so it pains me to inform you that, for better or for worse, i will not be returning here ever again. or, at the very least, i will not be updating regularly any more (not that i ever have ahaha).
the rationale behind this decision begins with my adamant refusal to blog about mundane everyday details. i'm pretty sure no one living seriously wants to read a vivid description of what i ate for breakfast (incidentally, i had wanton mee, if you're really interested, in which case please seek professional help. lol.) or a blow-by-blow of every activity i've been involved in. i'm too lazy to do that anyway.
which brings me to my next premise: as a logical conclusion i can only blog about my thoughts and opinions. the thing is, i'm unwilling to lodge public complaints about people or organisations here on my blog, one because i fear prosecution (you coward you) and two because i think it's awfully mean. i'd like to say it's only reason two, but my conscience won't let me. right so that means i can only blog about my thoughts and opinions of...myself. which explains how earlier posts have come into being.
looking back now, though, pangs of embarrassment have me in a vice grip and i have no choice but to admit that every post i attempt to write ends up as a self-reflection, which is undesirable because it sounds terribly angsty (bleargh!) and because if it is, indeed, a self-reflection, then there is no need, really, for public viewing. i am no exhibitionist, and you are no voyeur (right? please say yes.); it follows that my dirty linen ought to be reviewed by my eyes only.
it is, therefore, with a large dose of false gusto and a pinch of regret that i officially announce the end of this blog. it's been cool, somewhat. and it's nice to know people actually read my writing. (what kind of sick perverts are you? just kidding.) thank you, thank you, thank you.
on a slightly related note, i hope to start writing (not blogging) again, a decision spurred in part by t. s. eliot as well as my inability to attend this year's CAP. so, the other blog, http://closetedcobwebs.blogspot.com may be updated from time to time, but no promises, because i am an indolent good-for-nothing.
yep so once again, thank you one and all, and, for the last time, goodbye; good night!
back to the hermit's lair. ahahahaha-
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
breathe-
haha shucks i think i'm becoming stupid. in fact, i can't even say that, because i can't seem to think properly anymore. there's like this huge ball of iron mesh lodged in my brain, it's really heavy and dull and convoluted. like a massive boulder on the railway tracks paved across the top of my head, blocking off any and every train of thought. get it? train? railway tracks? hahahahaha.
right. where was i?
oh yes the boulder. actually it's more like really viscous mud. it's like there was a landslide and every thought process is a swim through thick, glutinous mud. somehow every thought drifts along really sluggishly and gets clogged somewhere, and then i try mightily hard to hang on to it, to keep track of it, but as i grasp it in my hand it crumbles into a million motes of thought-dust which drift away, dissipating to hide in the nooks of my cranium.
and i've realised that my brain works in a very linear fashion. i think that's why at the end of the day i'm not doing humanities. because when all the factors and causes and points and arguments come together i get all confused and it's like trying to unravel 17 balls of twine with 2 hands, 2 feet, and a nose. i just can't handle everything at a go. i think that's also why i can't debate anymore, because i keep losing track of what's been said, what is being said, and what needs to be said. everything is a huge squiggle which eventually resolves into...
nothing.
so when the guy giving the sex talk said that guys have the ability to think about absolutely nothing, i was like, heck yeah! of course he said lots of other things too but that's another story for another time. and the talk came after gp, which reminded me of my diagnostic essay, which i totally messed up because of aforementioned debilitating condition. i have thus come to fear the return of said essay and have prepared a shredder for the occasion.
wish me luck.
right. where was i?
oh yes the boulder. actually it's more like really viscous mud. it's like there was a landslide and every thought process is a swim through thick, glutinous mud. somehow every thought drifts along really sluggishly and gets clogged somewhere, and then i try mightily hard to hang on to it, to keep track of it, but as i grasp it in my hand it crumbles into a million motes of thought-dust which drift away, dissipating to hide in the nooks of my cranium.
and i've realised that my brain works in a very linear fashion. i think that's why at the end of the day i'm not doing humanities. because when all the factors and causes and points and arguments come together i get all confused and it's like trying to unravel 17 balls of twine with 2 hands, 2 feet, and a nose. i just can't handle everything at a go. i think that's also why i can't debate anymore, because i keep losing track of what's been said, what is being said, and what needs to be said. everything is a huge squiggle which eventually resolves into...
nothing.
so when the guy giving the sex talk said that guys have the ability to think about absolutely nothing, i was like, heck yeah! of course he said lots of other things too but that's another story for another time. and the talk came after gp, which reminded me of my diagnostic essay, which i totally messed up because of aforementioned debilitating condition. i have thus come to fear the return of said essay and have prepared a shredder for the occasion.
wish me luck.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
so i'll remember.
oh dear rjc is so darn confusing. there's too many events, too much moving around, and too many chances to make mistakes.
there are also many many people.
and they have made me realise that i can't run away from them all my life. these past couple of days have slapped me in the face and reminded me sternly that i can't neglect my friends any more. i have spent (i think) too much time with my textbooks, and way too little time getting to know people, which, though a loner i am, i have realised i kind of enjoy. i would like to know people, to find out their favourite colour, their favourite foods, their favourite thing to do; everything! i want to dissect their idiosyncracies and uncover what makes them tick. i want to share in their joys, their sorrows, their lives.
in short, i want to be a better friend.
but hey i have a loooong way to go. for starters, i've got to start remembering people. like today i saw xin ning and she said we were p4 classmates. i mean, i just stared at her because i couldn't remember! i'm terribly apologetic about that. if you're reading this, xin ning, i'm sorry! she's in film soc too so i hope i'll get to know her better and atone for my misdeeds. i swear, i've got a memory like a sieve. wait have i used that simile before? i can't remember.
ok aside from this friend thing that i've really got to work on, life's been pretty good.
my class is made up of really nice people, but i'm being antisocial again, so it'll probably take me the full two years to warm up to them but hey i'm really looking forward to it. the warming up part not the end of the two years. my tutors are real nice (my econs tutor is calling me haha! hahaha) and i haven't fallen asleep in class (yet). amc selections went pretty well, but volleyball clinic was pfft. i sure hope i improve tremendously before tryouts next week. film soc seems like great fun, and the people seem friendly; i can't wait to get my hands on a camcorder and start filming. debates is going okay, i've made some new friends, and writers inc starts tomorrow! and math soc, of course, is my number one love. wait there's an emoticon for this right? oh yeah: <3. how apt.
right okay i better go catch some z's, i'll tell you more about everything soon. i wish you happy thoughts and happy days.
:)
there are also many many people.
and they have made me realise that i can't run away from them all my life. these past couple of days have slapped me in the face and reminded me sternly that i can't neglect my friends any more. i have spent (i think) too much time with my textbooks, and way too little time getting to know people, which, though a loner i am, i have realised i kind of enjoy. i would like to know people, to find out their favourite colour, their favourite foods, their favourite thing to do; everything! i want to dissect their idiosyncracies and uncover what makes them tick. i want to share in their joys, their sorrows, their lives.
in short, i want to be a better friend.
but hey i have a loooong way to go. for starters, i've got to start remembering people. like today i saw xin ning and she said we were p4 classmates. i mean, i just stared at her because i couldn't remember! i'm terribly apologetic about that. if you're reading this, xin ning, i'm sorry! she's in film soc too so i hope i'll get to know her better and atone for my misdeeds. i swear, i've got a memory like a sieve. wait have i used that simile before? i can't remember.
ok aside from this friend thing that i've really got to work on, life's been pretty good.
my class is made up of really nice people, but i'm being antisocial again, so it'll probably take me the full two years to warm up to them but hey i'm really looking forward to it. the warming up part not the end of the two years. my tutors are real nice (my econs tutor is calling me haha! hahaha) and i haven't fallen asleep in class (yet). amc selections went pretty well, but volleyball clinic was pfft. i sure hope i improve tremendously before tryouts next week. film soc seems like great fun, and the people seem friendly; i can't wait to get my hands on a camcorder and start filming. debates is going okay, i've made some new friends, and writers inc starts tomorrow! and math soc, of course, is my number one love. wait there's an emoticon for this right? oh yeah: <3. how apt.
right okay i better go catch some z's, i'll tell you more about everything soon. i wish you happy thoughts and happy days.
:)
Friday, January 12, 2007
urgh
it's like, what, 1 week in to rjc? and i've already messed up big time.
sorry sorry sorry.
i'm currently mentally hurling innumerable expletives at myself (in case you were wondering).
and i feel like beating myself up, except i'm too tired, i'd probably miss, and i'm afraid of pain.
i am going to hibernate for the rest of my life, or for as long as i take to figure things out (ie the rest of my life).
good night.
sorry sorry sorry.
i'm currently mentally hurling innumerable expletives at myself (in case you were wondering).
and i feel like beating myself up, except i'm too tired, i'd probably miss, and i'm afraid of pain.
i am going to hibernate for the rest of my life, or for as long as i take to figure things out (ie the rest of my life).
good night.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
too-oh-oh-sicks
So.
Only half an hour remains of this past year.
Time for a little R&R.
Talk about procrastination, huh?
Well.
2006. What a year it has been.
It's funny, though, how I don't seem to remember much of what's happened. It felt like I was half asleep most of the time - which is partly true, but, still - and I've ended up deeper in this quagmire than I was in January. Figuratively speaking, of course.
You know, when I first entered RI, I thought it would help clear things up a bit. Open up some doors, close some others, wipe the mist off the windshield, that kind of stuff. I had hoped it would help me focus, and to map out the road ahead. But if anything has become any clearer, it is this: I am headed nowhere. You can take this whatever way you want, but I'm trying to be honest here; I don't mean to exaggerate, really. The thing is, I'm losing my grip on reality, I'm losing my grip on myself, on the way I perceive this world. To steal a book title from Chinua Achebe (though I haven't actually read this book), Things Fall Apart, and nothing seems to make much sense anymore.
I used to think I had the hang of things. Life's been good so far, I can't complain: school's fine, haven't made many enemies, and the health meter reading is just about right. But as the year went on I became increasingly aware of the sensation that I don't belong here. Wherever I was, I felt like I wanted to be somewhere else. I put my finger in every pie, but not a single one was baked for me. It was tough communicating with people; every time I hung out with someone, I felt false, like a bloody hypocrite, and I wished so bad that I could take back everything I did and everything I said, because I was so disgusted with the way I was behaving. So I tried to shut up and stop making a fool out of myself, but then people either thought I was ill or I was being insolent, and I ended up upsetting them instead. I feel like such a twit sometimes.
I really don't mean to do this. I really don't mean to anger people or botch things up. You know, sometimes when I feel as if I am holding a proper conversation with someone without offending them, when I feel as if I am really connecting with somebody, or simply when I make a joke and someone laughs, I start tearing and I have to look away because I feel so touched and blessed and happy. I don't know how to describe that sentiment. I don't even know if it qualifies as a sentiment.
I feel like I've let everyone down. I'm really sorry for everything, but there really is no point saying this here, is there? This is not a plea for help. This is not some stupid note designed to appeal to your sympathy. I just need to write things down to figure things out, and I wanted to use this opportunity to apologise for all the times I've messed up. I feel I have an obligation to explain certain things, certain things that can only be put in writing.
I realise I haven't even explained much. I'm sorry about that too. I just need some time to figure things out, but not only has 2006 deprived me of this time, it has made matters worse. I just hope 2007 will be better. I've got to start afresh, and rediscover myself. That's my New Year's resolution.
After all, 2007 can't be worse, can it?
Right. Who am I kidding? Lol.
Nevertheless, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to everyone I know for everything you've done for me. And that means you! Family, teachers, classmates, schoolmates, CCA mates (that means ncc(!), math&science club, and the debaters), 1H06, SIMO dudes, AYLS people, the list just goes on. If I know you, or if you know me, rest assured you're included. :) I won't name names because I know with this sieve of a brain I'll miss someone out.
Happy New Year everyone. You've all been great people.
Only half an hour remains of this past year.
Time for a little R&R.
Talk about procrastination, huh?
Well.
2006. What a year it has been.
It's funny, though, how I don't seem to remember much of what's happened. It felt like I was half asleep most of the time - which is partly true, but, still - and I've ended up deeper in this quagmire than I was in January. Figuratively speaking, of course.
You know, when I first entered RI, I thought it would help clear things up a bit. Open up some doors, close some others, wipe the mist off the windshield, that kind of stuff. I had hoped it would help me focus, and to map out the road ahead. But if anything has become any clearer, it is this: I am headed nowhere. You can take this whatever way you want, but I'm trying to be honest here; I don't mean to exaggerate, really. The thing is, I'm losing my grip on reality, I'm losing my grip on myself, on the way I perceive this world. To steal a book title from Chinua Achebe (though I haven't actually read this book), Things Fall Apart, and nothing seems to make much sense anymore.
I used to think I had the hang of things. Life's been good so far, I can't complain: school's fine, haven't made many enemies, and the health meter reading is just about right. But as the year went on I became increasingly aware of the sensation that I don't belong here. Wherever I was, I felt like I wanted to be somewhere else. I put my finger in every pie, but not a single one was baked for me. It was tough communicating with people; every time I hung out with someone, I felt false, like a bloody hypocrite, and I wished so bad that I could take back everything I did and everything I said, because I was so disgusted with the way I was behaving. So I tried to shut up and stop making a fool out of myself, but then people either thought I was ill or I was being insolent, and I ended up upsetting them instead. I feel like such a twit sometimes.
I really don't mean to do this. I really don't mean to anger people or botch things up. You know, sometimes when I feel as if I am holding a proper conversation with someone without offending them, when I feel as if I am really connecting with somebody, or simply when I make a joke and someone laughs, I start tearing and I have to look away because I feel so touched and blessed and happy. I don't know how to describe that sentiment. I don't even know if it qualifies as a sentiment.
I feel like I've let everyone down. I'm really sorry for everything, but there really is no point saying this here, is there? This is not a plea for help. This is not some stupid note designed to appeal to your sympathy. I just need to write things down to figure things out, and I wanted to use this opportunity to apologise for all the times I've messed up. I feel I have an obligation to explain certain things, certain things that can only be put in writing.
I realise I haven't even explained much. I'm sorry about that too. I just need some time to figure things out, but not only has 2006 deprived me of this time, it has made matters worse. I just hope 2007 will be better. I've got to start afresh, and rediscover myself. That's my New Year's resolution.
After all, 2007 can't be worse, can it?
Right. Who am I kidding? Lol.
Nevertheless, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to everyone I know for everything you've done for me. And that means you! Family, teachers, classmates, schoolmates, CCA mates (that means ncc(!), math&science club, and the debaters), 1H06, SIMO dudes, AYLS people, the list just goes on. If I know you, or if you know me, rest assured you're included. :) I won't name names because I know with this sieve of a brain I'll miss someone out.
Happy New Year everyone. You've all been great people.
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