breathe-

haha shucks i think i'm becoming stupid. in fact, i can't even say that, because i can't seem to think properly anymore. there's like this huge ball of iron mesh lodged in my brain, it's really heavy and dull and convoluted. like a massive boulder on the railway tracks paved across the top of my head, blocking off any and every train of thought. get it? train? railway tracks? hahahahaha.

right. where was i?

oh yes the boulder. actually it's more like really viscous mud. it's like there was a landslide and every thought process is a swim through thick, glutinous mud. somehow every thought drifts along really sluggishly and gets clogged somewhere, and then i try mightily hard to hang on to it, to keep track of it, but as i grasp it in my hand it crumbles into a million motes of thought-dust which drift away, dissipating to hide in the nooks of my cranium.

and i've realised that my brain works in a very linear fashion. i think that's why at the end of the day i'm not doing humanities. because when all the factors and causes and points and arguments come together i get all confused and it's like trying to unravel 17 balls of twine with 2 hands, 2 feet, and a nose. i just can't handle everything at a go. i think that's also why i can't debate anymore, because i keep losing track of what's been said, what is being said, and what needs to be said. everything is a huge squiggle which eventually resolves into...

nothing.

so when the guy giving the sex talk said that guys have the ability to think about absolutely nothing, i was like, heck yeah! of course he said lots of other things too but that's another story for another time. and the talk came after gp, which reminded me of my diagnostic essay, which i totally messed up because of aforementioned debilitating condition. i have thus come to fear the return of said essay and have prepared a shredder for the occasion.

wish me luck.

so i'll remember.

oh dear rjc is so darn confusing. there's too many events, too much moving around, and too many chances to make mistakes.

there are also many many people.

and they have made me realise that i can't run away from them all my life. these past couple of days have slapped me in the face and reminded me sternly that i can't neglect my friends any more. i have spent (i think) too much time with my textbooks, and way too little time getting to know people, which, though a loner i am, i have realised i kind of enjoy. i would like to know people, to find out their favourite colour, their favourite foods, their favourite thing to do; everything! i want to dissect their idiosyncracies and uncover what makes them tick. i want to share in their joys, their sorrows, their lives.

in short, i want to be a better friend.

but hey i have a loooong way to go. for starters, i've got to start remembering people. like today i saw xin ning and she said we were p4 classmates. i mean, i just stared at her because i couldn't remember! i'm terribly apologetic about that. if you're reading this, xin ning, i'm sorry! she's in film soc too so i hope i'll get to know her better and atone for my misdeeds. i swear, i've got a memory like a sieve. wait have i used that simile before? i can't remember.

ok aside from this friend thing that i've really got to work on, life's been pretty good.

my class is made up of really nice people, but i'm being antisocial again, so it'll probably take me the full two years to warm up to them but hey i'm really looking forward to it. the warming up part not the end of the two years. my tutors are real nice (my econs tutor is calling me haha! hahaha) and i haven't fallen asleep in class (yet). amc selections went pretty well, but volleyball clinic was pfft. i sure hope i improve tremendously before tryouts next week. film soc seems like great fun, and the people seem friendly; i can't wait to get my hands on a camcorder and start filming. debates is going okay, i've made some new friends, and writers inc starts tomorrow! and math soc, of course, is my number one love. wait there's an emoticon for this right? oh yeah: <3. how apt.

right okay i better go catch some z's, i'll tell you more about everything soon. i wish you happy thoughts and happy days.

:)

urgh

it's like, what, 1 week in to rjc? and i've already messed up big time.

sorry sorry sorry.

i'm currently mentally hurling innumerable expletives at myself (in case you were wondering).

and i feel like beating myself up, except i'm too tired, i'd probably miss, and i'm afraid of pain.

i am going to hibernate for the rest of my life, or for as long as i take to figure things out (ie the rest of my life).

good night.